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10:18 pm; october 9, 2022 (sunday)

coming here again because i need to get this out but i can't tell anyone.

i overate again.
i'm so fucking upset. i made my favorite meal, and it was so good. and i ate it. and i kept eating. in the past, what i ate would have been a totally normal amount of food. but i just can't eat so much anymore. i start to get full just 5 bites into any meal. but it was so good. and i kept eating it until i felt sick, and i'm so upset at myself. why can't i just stop? why do i keep pushing it?

i really want to throw it up.
i won't. but it would be so easy. i can feel the food in my throat, and it would be so easy to do. i just want to puke up all my insides. then maybe i wouldn't feel sick everytime i ate anymore. hell, maybe i'd be thinner. fuck. i know it's such an awful and unhealthy thing to do and i'm seeing an eating disorder specialist because they referred me to one BUT I WANT TO SO FUCKING BAD. I WANT TO THROW UP. I WANT TO GET IT ALL OUT OF ME

what's wrong with me?
i had to pee so bad after i ate but i couldn't even let myself go to the bathroom because i didn't trust myself to not throw up once i got in there. i might go take a long shower. i'm just. so mad at myself and so sad at the same time. i almost want to do it because that's better then just wondering all the time, right? i think about it so often. food makes me upset so often. i hate it. i love food, i love flavor and texture but i'm terrified of being overweight and feeling sick. god, i'm gonna have to shower just to clean up the tears and snot from my face. i hate it here. i'm supposed to be better than this. and i can't even tell anyone, that's not a fair thing to do. what would i even say, text my friend like "hey i ate too much and i really want to puke now lmao"???

i'm gonna go take a long sitting shower. see ya.

11:25 pm; september 15, 2022 (thursday)

graphic content warning! in all honesty this will be an awful post. please proceed with extreme caution.

to be honest, i'm probably going to remove all of these posts very soon. for now, though, it's kind of nice to throw them out in the void where i know no one from my real life is probably going to check. i think that small risk of someone seeing is my little cry for help, but at the same time, i don't even know what i want or deserve for help. maybe a little part of me wants someone to know how bad it is. i don't want to burden anyone with that knowledge, though. someone knowing makes it all real, too. i'm trying so so hard to keep it all together, i'm trying to make it seem like i'm still floating at an okay level, but... i don't know

i didn't make myself throw up earlier. i really thought about it, more than i ever have before. i was standing there with my water bottle in my hands, honestly on the verge of jamming it into my stomach over and over. i already felt pretty ill just from how shitty i felt, so it would have been really easy. i wanted to do it. but i didn't. i didn't even have the energy. i went to go lay down and i had a fitful nap for a few hours.

what the hell, right? i'm supposed to be better. i got so good at pretending i wasn't hurting myself anymore that i started to believe it myself. all i did was change the way i do it sometimes. i'm not going to confess to how it usually happens now, because on the off chance that someone really is reading this, i don't want you to know. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry. god, i'm so sorry. i just want it all to make sense. i feel like i want to be hurt just to justify it. to have a reason. and when it isn't that, i just want to punish myself. i said the wrong thing, i made something awkward, people are mad at me, i'm stressed out, i'm not smart enough, i feel sad when i shouldn't, whatever it is, i feel like i should be punished for it and so often i do it. i hate myself for it, i'm supposed to be doing BETTER, and i swear to god i am!! i really am! please, someone believe me. i'm doing what i should be. i'm better, right? i'm taking the steps, so i should be better. please. please. i think deep down i just want to be okay. i'm scared. i'm upset.

oh. holy shit. it's like clockwork. sometimes i don't even notice. it's okay if i do it subconsiously, right? and i never leave a permanent mark. i don't do anything that scars, so it's okay, right?

i should reall y stop writing now. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i.... yeah. i'm okay. yeah

6:00 am; august 22, 2022 (monday)

if this page comes up on your neocities feed, ignore it. it's on an unlinked page for a reason. i'll probably delete it later anyways.

i feel like such a burden. i'm so fucking annoying, i fuck up every conversation, i've been really touchy lately and it shows and i hate it. i think my period is starting soon and that's very evil.

i swear to god i was doing better. so what is WRONG with me?? why do i flip flop so quickly?? why do i go from an appearance-based high to crying in front of the mirror within 20 minutes??? it's so fucking embarrassing and i keep subjecting my poor girlfriend to it and i'm literally so mad at myself over it. it probably sucks to talk to me. i loved my over-the-top outfit today and then i tried to do eyeliner and i had a fucking breakdown.

i have such a bad not-like-the-other-girls complex, and that's embarrassing too. i try to keep it on the down-low. one time last year i made a joke about "other girls" in front of my girlfriend while we were on a walk and she asked "what's wrong with being like other girls?" a little too seriously and i literally almost cried right there on the spot. i'm aware of this, and i hate it, but it's morphed from the typical complex into a self-hatred type thing. i don't get to be like other girls now, it's too late. i don't get to be feminine. i'm not pretty enough or good enough to be feminine. i don't deserve it and i'm a joke. i dirty the idea just by trying. i don't get to be beautiful or a princess because i am just not good enough to be. i'm too scared to even try on a dress again. how laughable is that? i'm gross and unattractive and other girls should hate me. a little part of me wants them to. i think someone should hurt me. i think i deserve it. after all, who gets jealous of their own girlfriend's comfort in femininity? no one normal or good. i hate myself for that. i deserve to be punished for that. if she read this i'd kill myself. she loves me and i wonder if i even deserve it

3:15 am; march 6, 2022 (tuesday)

trying out a new theme, what do you all think?

now, before i get heavy again, i promise things aren't all too bad in my life! i got hired to be a resident assistant next year, my current job is super fun, and i've made wonderful friends this year. it's just that dewside is really easy to turn to to gather my thoughts on things i want to get out, but down't know how to say to someone else quite yet. upcoming talk about body image and low self-esteem.

i had to take meds recently to induce a menstrual cycle, and those synthetic hormones absolutley kicked my ass. i've been bloated, sore, drowsy, lightheaded, cramp-ridden, and just gross in general- not even mentioning the emotional side effects (we'll get to those). i'm coming out the other side of the tunnel now, but it has not been a very fun time. i've been super unmotivated and a weird mix of unfeeling and miserable. it sucks because everything in my life the last two weeks has been a neutral or somewhat positive events, and so there's no way i feel justified in feeling like shit, which makes me feel even more like shit. my therapist told me it's okay and reminded me that this happens with a fair amount of women and i'm not alone (i don't get periods a healthy amount, hence the meds, and i forget how they are. not to mention this was my first time taking the meds and i've never experienced every symptom at once before), and she did help, but still, i feel like total garbage for feeling like total garbage. i laid in bed for ages and couldn't accomplish anything, even if deep down i wanted to. all i could get motivated for was mac n cheese. i made mac n cheese 5 times within 8 days.

something this awful state of mind gave way to REAL fast was self-loathing. i've hated myself for a lot of reasons in the past, and i'm generally so much better, now! but there are a few things that i just haven't gotten through yet, and it was easy for some of those to bubble up.

i never loved my appearance, but i don't know when i began to struggle with it. i can't remember. i feel like i was content for so long to tie my hair up and wear the same jeans and t-shirts day after day, and i don't know when the switch flipped. for as long as i can remember, i know i wore a coat everywhere to cover my stomach, and i would re-apply powder constantly to hide a face full of acne, but that's about it.

at some point, i started to feel trapped in my skin, my clothes. someone inside me desperately wants out, but i don't even know who she is.

i'm short, like, under-5-feet short. i'm not really built like a child, i've got a bit of shape to me, and i think my face looks my age, but i'm so short and it's inescapable. i mostly don't mind, y'know? it's easy to pretend i don't, but sometimes it just gets to me. people talk down to me a lot. i have this constant fear that people don't think i'm capable. i do encounter it less and less as time goes on now, but getting talked to like i'm a puppy or something drives me up the wall. i can't tell if it's a fear only in my head, or if people really do treat me that way. people who talk to or work with me for a bit usually overestimate my age, actually. i get 20-22 a lot.

i just wish i could figure out what makes me feel confident. i don't really get clothes. i have a hard time deciding if something looks good or just ridiculous. my girlfriend has the best outfits and i want to match her confidence and style so badly. i don't know how to dress in a way that flatters me. i don't know how to show off or look cutesy or cool or stand out. i have some clothes i like, sure, but... barely anything that would get me complimented, y'know? sometimes i really wanna dress in a "genre"-- just an outfit or two-- but i'm so scared of looking and feeling like a moron that i can't. i can't even wear certain clothes i ALREADY own for that reason.

this'll sound so stupid, but it's been on my mind a lot. a lot of stuff with gay women has to do with the reclaimation and alteration of femininity and masculinity. butches and femmes, mascs and fems. i don't feel like i fit. i don't even think i'm particularly androgynous in style, either. i know that i don't HAVE to fit in. but godammit, for once in my life i WANT to fit something. i'm so fucking sick of feeling like an outsider. raised in a cult i stopped believing in. bullied in junior high. never had the interests my mother wanted. in high school i had a mormon friend group where i was all too edgy, and a regular friend group where i was all too innocent. it's something i will never get around with being bisexual, always stuck in the middle, always a "not actually..." or "technically". i'm nothing like straight women, i've never been with and i will never be with a man, but i feel like an imposter among lesbians. even the language used to describe my realtionship is so polarizing, and i have no one to talk about it with. for just once in my life as an outsider, i want to fit in. and when i can't understand this whole thing my mind decided to latch onto, it drives me crazy. i don't feel particularly strong about either side, and i'm not really fit to see how i come across on the outside. i'm not traditonally masculine, nor am i largely drawn to it outside of a few things. on the other side, i don't know how to make femininity comfortable. i want it to be. i'm intrigued by it, y'know? sitting on the fence, peering in, it's not all for me, but i want to steal a bit. but it SCARES me and it feels so fucking stupid that it scares me. i made a new cosplay recently, it was the high point of the last two weeks and i'm very proud of it. it's pieck from attack on titan. the cosplay involves a skirt, so i bought one from the thrift store. it was comfy enough to lay around in that i bought a second skirt. neither are stylish pieces, they're long and plain, but... i bought and willingly wore them. skirts and dresses to me feel so emotionally uncomfortable most of the time, in that they feel so disgustingly mormon. they were always plain or unflattering or ugly and they represent me being forced to play a role that makes me sick. and so when they don't, it feels... strange. in that, if i don't feel attractive in them, i at least felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in them. i always joke about how much i hated them, but here i am now, and it just feels flipped in a way I didn't expect.

i mentioned above feeling attractive. i want to. i can feel neutral about my appearance a lot of the time, but i'm not so sure about feeling like i'm attractive. and again, i WANT to! i... i want to feel pretty. i want to look pretty. and i don't know why that's so upsetting to me, but it really is. i've cried through writing half of this word dump. even just WANTING to feel pretty makes me upset for reasons i don't understand. perhaps it's because i'm acknowleging that i don't already. i want to wear clothes that flatter me and make me stand out. i want to be recognized for my physical appearance just ONCE. i want to go out with my girlfriend and feel just as confident as she does, i want us to look pretty together. i want and i want and i want, but i may never just because i don't know where to start. and so i sit, stuck, pretending i don't care as much as i do.
i want to like myself.