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Welcome to Dewside

Log of Eliwood's Thoughts

3:15 am; march 6, 2022 (tuesday)

trying out a new theme, what do you all think?

now, before i get heavy again, i promise things aren't all too bad in my life! i got hired to be a resident assistant next year, my current job is super fun, and i've made wonderful friends this year. it's just that dewside is really easy to turn to to gather my thoughts on things i want to get out, but down't know how to say to someone else quite yet. upcoming talk about body image and low self-esteem.

i had to take meds recently to induce a menstrual cycle, and those synthetic hormones absolutley kicked my ass. i've been bloated, sore, drowsy, lightheaded, cramp-ridden, and just gross in general- not even mentioning the emotional side effects (we'll get to those). i'm coming out the other side of the tunnel now, but it has not been a very fun time. i've been super unmotivated and a weird mix of unfeeling and miserable. it sucks because everything in my life the last two weeks has been a neutral or somewhat positive events, and so there's no way i feel justified in feeling like shit, which makes me feel even more like shit. my therapist told me it's okay and reminded me that this happens with a fair amount of women and i'm not alone (i don't get periods a healthy amount, hence the meds, and i forget how they are. not to mention this was my first time taking the meds and i've never experienced every symptom at once before), and she did help, but still, i feel like total garbage for feeling like total garbage. i laid in bed for ages and couldn't accomplish anything, even if deep down i wanted to. all i could get motivated for was mac n cheese. i made mac n cheese 5 times within 8 days.

something this awful state of mind gave way to REAL fast was self-loathing. i've hated myself for a lot of reasons in the past, and i'm generally so much better, now! but there are a few things that i just haven't gotten through yet, and it was easy for some of those to bubble up.

i never loved my appearance, but i don't know when i began to struggle with it. i can't remember. i feel like i was content for so long to tie my hair up and wear the same jeans and t-shirts day after day, and i don't know when the switch flipped. for as long as i can remember, i know i wore a coat everywhere to cover my stomach, and i would re-apply powder constantly to hide a face full of acne, but that's about it.

at some point, i started to feel trapped in my skin, my clothes. someone inside me desperately wants out, but i don't even know who she is.

i'm short, like, under-5-feet short. i'm not really built like a child, i've got a bit of shape to me, and i think my face looks my age, but i'm so short and it's inescapable. i mostly don't mind, y'know? it's easy to pretend i don't, but sometimes it just gets to me. people talk down to me a lot. i have this constant fear that people don't think i'm capable. i do encounter it less and less as time goes on now, but getting talked to like i'm a puppy or something drives me up the wall. i can't tell if it's a fear only in my head, or if people really do treat me that way. people who talk to or work with me for a bit usually overestimate my age, actually. i get 20-22 a lot.

i just wish i could figure out what makes me feel confident. i don't really get clothes. i have a hard time deciding if something looks good or just ridiculous. my girlfriend has the best outfits and i want to match her confidence and style so badly. i don't know how to dress in a way that flatters me. i don't know how to show off or look cutesy or cool or stand out. i have some clothes i like, sure, but... barely anything that would get me complimented, y'know? sometimes i really wanna dress in a "genre"-- just an outfit or two-- but i'm so scared of looking and feeling like a moron that i can't. i can't even wear certain clothes i ALREADY own for that reason.

this'll sound so stupid, but it's been on my mind a lot. a lot of stuff with gay women has to do with the reclaimation and alteration of femininity and masculinity. butches and femmes, mascs and fems. i don't feel like i fit. i don't even think i'm particularly androgynous in style, either. i know that i don't HAVE to fit in. but godammit, for once in my life i WANT to fit something. i'm so fucking sick of feeling like an outsider. raised in a cult i stopped believing in. bullied in junior high. never had the interests my mother wanted. in high school i had a mormon friend group where i was all too edgy, and a regular friend group where i was all too innocent. it's something i will never get around with being bisexual, always stuck in the middle, always a "not actually..." or "technically". i'm nothing like straight women, i've never been with and i will never be with a man, but i feel like an imposter among lesbians. even the language used to describe my realtionship is so polarizing, and i have no one to talk about it with. for just once in my life as an outsider, i want to fit in. and when i can't understand this whole thing my mind decided to latch onto, it drives me crazy. i don't feel particularly strong about either side, and i'm not really fit to see how i come across on the outside. i'm not traditonally masculine, nor am i largely drawn to it outside of a few things. on the other side, i don't know how to make femininity comfortable. i want it to be. i'm intrigued by it, y'know? sitting on the fence, peering in, it's not all for me, but i want to steal a bit. but it SCARES me and it feels so fucking stupid that it scares me. i made a new cosplay recently, it was the high point of the last two weeks and i'm very proud of it. it's pieck from attack on titan. the cosplay involves a skirt, so i bought one from the thrift store. it was comfy enough to lay around in that i bought a second skirt. neither are stylish pieces, they're long and plain, but... i bought and willingly wore them. skirts and dresses to me feel so emotionally uncomfortable most of the time, in that they feel so disgustingly mormon. they were always plain or unflattering or ugly and they represent me being forced to play a role that makes me sick. and so when they don't, it feels... strange. in that, if i don't feel attractive in them, i at least felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in them. i always joke about how much i hated them, but here i am now, and it just feels flipped in a way I didn't expect.

i mentioned above feeling attractive. i want to. i can feel neutral about my appearance a lot of the time, but i'm not so sure about feeling like i'm attractive. and again, i WANT to! i... i want to feel pretty. i want to look pretty. and i don't know why that's so upsetting to me, but it really is. i've cried through writing half of this word dump. even just WANTING to feel pretty makes me upset for reasons i don't understand. perhaps it's because i'm acknowleging that i don't already. i want to wear clothes that flatter me and make me stand out. i want to be recognized for my physical appearance just ONCE. i want to go out with my girlfriend and feel just as confident as she does, i want us to look pretty together. i want and i want and i want, but i may never just because i don't know where to start. and so i sit, stuck, pretending i don't care as much as i do.
i want to like myself.

8:58 pm; february 26, 2022 (tuesday)

it's 2/22/2022... happy twosday

the wind has been very strong today. a large gust just rattled all the trees outside; the lights flicker and i wonder if our power will go out.

i spent the weekend at bon's place. it's a bit of a drive, but it feels so worth it to be near her. it was a healing weekend, aside from the stress my parents gave me. we explored the city and rode the buses and trams to the grocery store, the planetarium, and a sculpture garden. it was exactly what i needed, to go new places with someone who loves me and lets me take my time.

11:37 am; february 17th, 2022 (thursday)

warning up-front: this entry is going to be a really emotional and upsetting one.

i'm turning to my blog here to write this, because i really need to get it out and i don't really feel like i can tell anyone in real life yet, nor do i have the strength to write it out by hand. i'm sorry for any glaring typos, i'm honestly crying while typing this and it's hard to see the keys without my glasses on.

last night on my family's group message, i found out that no one had seen our cat since that morning. my family went out en masse to find him, but came up empty and had to put my siblings to bed. i texted them this morning and found out that our beloved jay was still no where to be seen. i got a call from my dad just about half an hour ago. jay had been hit by a car, trying to cross back across a busy street (it seems that he spent the night trapped on the other side). they told me he hadn't been in that spot when they'd checked earlier, and it seems he must have died quickly. that is, if he really had to die like that, i hope he didn't have to suffer.

jay was a fantastic cat. he was full of personality, loving, and the best cuddler. my parents told me i could come home for the weekend, but i don't know how i can go home without him there. he would always be the first to greet me when i walked in, and he would spend each of my visits curled up on my bed with me. if he slept next to me, he's sleep like a little person; stretched out straight parallel to me, with his arms up over my shoulders. when he was annoyed he'd let out a little snort, like a really quick sigh. we'd all imitate him. he was a really silly cat, and it was easy to get pictures of him in the goofiest situations.

i can't believe he's gone. it doesn't feel real or whatever. how am i supposed to go home when i know he won't be there? he's not gonna meow outside my door to be let in, he's not gonna stand next to the pantry every time i walk by to beg for treats. he's never gonna spill all our catnip again and i'll never find him napping on top of my craft project. it's just not right. we've had jay since he was a kitten, he's the same age as my kindergarten sister. i watched him grow up. when he was tiny he'd scale your pant leg with his tiny little kitten claws so he could stand on your shoulder. he never grew out of being put inside my mom's sweatshirt.

i love you, jayby. i miss you. you were a really, really good kitty.

8:51 pm; november 23rd, 2021 (tuesday)

you all know the drill by now, another month flown by!

so much has happened this semester that i wouldn't even know where to begin. i'm a fully-fledged cosplayer now, and i couldn't enjoy it more! i have the greatest cosplay friends, and every con and meetup i attend with them adds three years to my lifespan. we're doing a christmas party next week, and i'm overjoyed!! i'm also planning on doing a roadtrip to another state's con with them in the spring!! it's so amazing to find your people.

right now, i'm procrastinating on taking a statistics test. i can't wait to be done with math!!!

my biggest annoucement, though, is a personal and very, very happy one. do you remember Bon? she's my best friend, and if you search for her, she's ALL over this site. we've been best friends for two years, although it feels like so much longer. she has her own, too-- Bon's Bakery, although she hasn't updated it in a while (i promise that she's doing a lot better now). i love bon. she's so smart, and she cracks me up. i'm good at making her laugh, too, sometimes unintentionally. i don't really care when it's unintentional, because making her smile makes me feel like i'm on top of the world. she's so special to me, and while it's personal and close to my heart, i wanna write about how i feel! and i figure that few people will read this, so where better to ramble?

bon isn't just my best friend anymore. she's also my girlfriend :)))))

i really am the luckiest woman in the world, huh? i'm dating my best friend! and guess what?? she loves me!! it's so crazy and i'm so happy. i really, really care about her. hey, bon, if you're reading this? i love you :)

12:34 pm; october 5th, 2021 (tuesday)

hello all!

i can't believe a whole month has already flown by! so much happened in september that it's hard to keep track. i got used to being moved out, and i worked a lot. i'm a caterer! my classes aren't hard, but i'm not actually interested in them, which makes them difficult. i DID go to a convention in september! i cosplayed as Shinobu from Demon Slayer, and it was probably the best three days of my life :D i caught the tiktok bug, and have been quite active there. remind me to post my cosplans later! i'm gonna do Obanai and Sanemi next.

after taking a break from coding for so long, it's been hard to get back into it. i wasn't satisfied with the Cinnamoroll theme anymore, but i didn't know what to change it to. i am VERY happy with the Halloween theming, though! hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

2:01 am; september 5th, 2021 (sunday)

hi, my name is oddie, it's 2 am and i currently have tears streaming down my face because i decided that NOW was the best time to watch clips of Mr. Rodgers

5:36 pm; august 31, 2021 (tuesday)

everyone SHUT UP and LOOK AT HER


3:16 pm; august 30, 2021 (monday)

if you see me messing around with css today... feel free to take a peek! i'm trying to update the front to be more of what i like right now.

11:17 pm; august 21, 2021 (saturday)

today i moved out.

it's a sureal feeling, but i like my dorm room. my roommate seems nice, and i set up a lot of my silly little anime and video game things. i like to look at them. my parents are staying in town tonight and are headed off sometime tomorrow (their house is ~2 hours from my school). freedom is quite literally on my fingertips, and.... it feels great.

more to come later.

2:55 pm; july 23, 2021 (friday)

today at work we are watching cars (the movie) bc there are no customers

6:34 pm; july 18, 2021 (sunday)

hello, friends and readers!

i apologize for the insane dropoff in upkeep and posting here. I spend my Summers mostly outdoors and/or working, so the laptop tends to take a backseat. rest assured, soon enough i'll be back to updating more often!

i'm actually going to be moving out in about a month, and i have mixed feelings about that. for one, i'm excited to be free and out of the house (and cult), but everything right now also seems to be a "last". last camping trips with my family, last month in my bedroom, last chance to really connect with my siblings. I know it doesn't have to be, but it feels like it. don't get me wrong, i've been pretty happy lately, but it's all starting to become real.

site to-to list:
-update front page to reflect current mindscape
-update graphics on the about page
-overhaul fursuit page
-create liminality section
-find more permanent solution to sidebar
-award dewies to contestants
-update art page
-create pixel graphics for links
-update jukebox to current tastes
-update layout?

3:53 pm; july 7, 2021 (wednesday)

if god loves me why won't he let me drink the magic road water

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